Mayday

May is upon us. May: the month of my day of birth, AP testing, and the end of another school year.

I rarely put my feelings out there on the Internet because I'm a private person and highly doubt that anybody in the world gives a crap what I have to think. However, I just felt like I needed to let this out so here it goes.

After conquering four AP tests this week and doing tragically on each of them, I'm officially burned out.

I really expected to feel better than I actually am. That's not to say I don't feel free because I do feel like I just unshackled four handcuffs that were locked so tightly on my wrists that they left marks that will remain there for the rest of my life.

But I do feel a slight regret (one of the worst feelings in the world) for not studying enough for the tests. I worked too hard this school year to get a poor score on these stinking exams because I was too lazy to pick up a prep book for any of the subjects. In my defense, I did try cramming chemistry two days before the exam but that was really it when it came to AP studying. In addition, I was juggling extracurriculars and prepping for the SAT simultaneously. It all just became too much but it's still no excuse and I have nobody to blame but myself. 

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Then I started to deeply ponder about my future. 

I've always carved my own path since I was a little girl. I take pleasure in spontaneity but I can never leave my life unplanned. Things just don't pan out for me that way. I've always known what I'm going to do with my life, how many kids I'm going to have, and the plan B's for all of my plan A's. I don't like change because I don't adapt well to it. I'm afraid of change.

I always knew I would get into the medical field, whether that was influenced by my incessant devotion to "Grey's Anatomy" (though not so much this season) or my parents' careers in the healthcare field. Even if I did change from wanting to be a pediatrician, a surgeon, and an optometrist, I always thought healthcare was meant for me. 

Yet lately I've questioned everything I have ever planned for myself. While volunteering at a hospital, I met a doctor who told me that to become a doctor, I must feel like God is calling for me to do this. Do I really want to help others? Do I really have enough passion to drive me through eight years of expensive schooling (assuming I make it into medical school with the cutthroat programs) and another four years of a low-pay, workaholic lifestyle during residency? I'm not too sure anymore.

The image of my future has now shattered before me and I feel like my ten year-old self lost in a sea of strangers in some crowded marketplace in a foreign part of the world. I had painted my whole future for 17 years and now it's gone. 

I feel blind everyday as my dreams and ambition slowly slip away from me. I have no idea what I truly want to do in life. Some impractical part of me wants to lead a vagabond lifestyle or open up a bakery (I really do love baking although my most impressive concoctions have come from a box) while another part of me searches for a more practical career to pay the bills.

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I know I'm being overly dramatic and absurd especially since I will probably be ten times worse emotionally in exactly a year from now, so close to graduation and embarking on the next chapter of my life. But these thoughts I have typed up for the world to see have failed to evade me and it was about time I let them out. 

I always felt old but after I turned 17, the gravity of how soon things are going to wind down just fell on me. My last year of high school is imminent (and those goddamn college applications) and in one year I'll be an adult, free from parental control and into the gloomy world of taxes, jury duty, and whatever the hell adults do. It's something I've dreaded for the past five years and I'm scared shitless.

Maybe I'm just crazy from this sleep-deprived month and beyond stressful week and tomorrow, I will wake up with my life together again. 

P.S. I applaud you if you made it through all that rambling. 

Top 5 Favorite TV Shows of ALL TIME

In case you did not know this, I am a HUGE TV junkie and love obsessing over TV shows old or new. I always end up finishing an old show or catching up on shows in a very short period of time, it's scary really. Anyways, I decided to share what are my favorite TV shows of all time. This post was slightly inspired by my good friend, Ahem It's Emme, so go check out her blog. 

1. Friends (1994-2004)
In case you have never watched Friends before, you are really missing out on life. I'm not kidding. One episode of this Emmy-winning comical show will turn anybody's depressing day around. The sitcom focuses on six New Yorkers who never seem to work. The story follows the drama and hilarious events that accompany these amazing characters. Watching the last episode broke my heart to let go of these lovable characters but then you re-watch it from episode 1 and get to relive the comedy once again. If you have netflix or any other sources to watch this legendary series, I definitely insist that you do. They also play re-runs on Nick at Nite from 11pm-1am every night (I still recommend watching it in chronological order though).

2. Lost (2004-2010)

Ah, yes, Lost, probably one of the most bizarre shows of all time. The synopsis consists of a plane crash on a mysterious island and the survivors must face weird happenings around them. The series finale did not tie up any loose ends and left their viewers confused more than they have ever been before. So why do I like it so much? The strangeness of the show and the attachment to the characters and their background are intriguing and captivated a majority of its fan base. To be honest, I don't even know why I like it so much, just ask any other Lost fan and I guarantee you they will most likely say the same thing. It's difficult to convey the storyline of this series without making the show sound absolutely stupid but you just have to take my word that this show is for a lack of better word, awesome.

3. The Walking Dead (2010-present)

Now I never in my life would have thought I would be watching The Walking Dead. The incredibly suspenseful show has dominated my Sunday nights (mostly my Monday nights since I procrastinate my homework Sunday). This is not just some zombie show, the script embodies the sacrifices the characters must make to survive the apocalypse. Consequently, there are dark character developments that truly epitomize what humans would become in dire circumstances. The fact that this show is only three seasons in and has become my third favorite TV show of all time means that I highly recommend anybody that can take gore to watch this epic show.

4. How I Met Your Mother (2005-present)
The CBS comedy show shares a striking resemblance to Friends, but still does not live up to the famous sitcom. However, that still does not mean this show is far from as Barney would say legen-wait for it-DARY. This show's definitely pulling on its last leg here with another season coming up. I truly hope for the cast and crew's stake that season 9 will indeed be the last since the creativity on this show is lacking. Nevertheless, How I Met Your Mother has been a wonderful journey to see five New Yorkers get on with their lives and further (or delay) their career. The star of this show is none other than Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) and his flirtatious ways, but it is nice to see him settle down for the one and only--don't want to spoil it, so you just have to watch it :)

5. Grey's Anatomy (2005-present)
I almost omitted the Grey's Anatomy from this list since the past two seasons have really spiraled down. Nevertheless, the amazingness from the first 5-6 seasons have made up for the mediocre episodes that Shonda Rhimes has been throwing out the past year. Before plummeting to inexcusable boredom, this intensely dramatic and at times heartbreaking medical drama  was a wonderful show that threw out suspenseful and original storylines to capture the hearts of its viewers. Like all shows that run too long, the writers/directors took some missteps in order to rejuvenate the series, but unfortunately, it backfired. I still have hope and will continue watching this series until the end. Despite my criticism of the recent seasons, you should definitely start this wonderful--and always will be---show. And if you still aren't sold, McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) and McSteamy (Eric Dane) should be enough to hook you in ;) 

This was probably one of the most fun posts I've ever written. If you would like to see any other TV-related posts, please comment below (aka my fav reality shows, comedy shows, etc.)